it’s time to put on your big girl panties

Posted on May 5, 2016 by

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there is a saying that when it rains it pours. for the most part, it holds a negative connotation in our lexicon. usually when something bad happens, it comes in waves. you don’t get a sprinkling of bad, you get an entire downpour. like, if you’re going to get wet, why not go big and get completely soaked? i’ll take the sprinkling, thanks!

but i don’t just use that phrase when stuff is negative. when i enter a seasonĀ of change, i swear it comes at me from all sides. it’s a new season? fine. that means i’m getting a change in weather, landscape, length of day, and wardrobe. when it rains it pours.

lately, i’ve been caught in the downpour without an umbrella. or, maybe i had an umbrella and due to heavy gusts of wind, it has flipped inside out, rendering itself completely useless. either way, i’m getting soaked. it’s not the soaking that bothers me. it’s the being exposed part i could do without. it’s like i got caught outside in a white nightgown. you can see everything! all of me has been laid bare.

i’m too stubborn to run for cover. storms don’t last always. once they pass, i know something in me will be made stronger for withstanding the tests of wind, rain, and exposure. but there is also a weariness that comes with standing in the midst of storms. there is a fear you must confront. there is a vulnerability you must accept. there is a reckoning of wills and faith waiting for the most resilient. but what is storm-born is regal. (feel free to refer to me as khalessi from here on out.)

over the last few months, i’ve had the worst earnworm. honestly, i don’t know that i can call it an earworm. the song isn’t exactly stuck in my head, as much as it calls out to me periodically after a particularly restless night. on those mornings, it’s the first thing on my mind when i wake up and begin preparing for my day.

i haven’t really given it much thought because songs call out to me all the time. that’s the power of music. it’s not just a production of words and sounds. music has a spirit to it and it seeps into your soul and “ministers” to the emotion it awakened. after a few months of this song clawing at my heart, i decided it was time to think about what message it is bringing me about my season of transition and change.

life is filled with so many ups and downs
have you ever been there?
one day you’re smiling, the next day you’re fighting
to hold back your tears to hide how you feel
so tired of faking like everything is ok
when you know it’s not right
no sleep at night

so, let’s talk about this sleep thing. i regularly struggle through seasons of sleeplessness. believe it or not, i still feel like if i fall asleep, i’ll miss something. illogical, i know. but i also know that i wrestle with things in my sleep. my brain races constantly – dreaming up stories, strategizing campaigns, planning for the future, hunting down solutions to problems, working out my opinions on life topics – so my dreams are where all of those things collide and mix to work themselves out. it’s also where i face the things i’ve been avoiding in my waking hours. so, when i rise from sleep with a song on my mind, it’s usually a message. lately, it has felt like even in the midst of all the joy, there are some continual uncomfortable moments.

yes, i have feels. like real feels. sometimes, i even cry. the past few years i have felt like life has beat me to the white meat. there have been days when i just HURT. yes, i know i’m usually smiling. and yes, it’s authentic. i tend to smile without even thinking about it. i have resting smile face. but understand that my pain, when i feel it, is real. this season has brought a lot of droplets of pain to splash down on me.

live through it. grow through it.
get through it.
you can make it if you just pray through it.
don’t let this be the end for you.
so live through it.

this is the part of the song that screams at me from the depths of my soul. life is going to happen and most of it will be outside of your control. we really have no idea what is waiting for us around the corner or down the road. when you’re in a season of transition, there are environmental clues you can read that tell you things are changing. when you check in with the holy spirit, she can guide your path through the change. you can even reach out to your family and friends to help encourage you through the change. but at the end of the day, you have to live through it. grow through it. get through it.

someone you love
may have just let you down
it’s not the end of the world
god already knew everyone who would leave you
it’s better this way. don’t beg them to stay
you didn’t see it coming and now you feel broken.
how can this be god?
this cannot be god.

these major life things have forced me to grow in all kinds of ways. the losses, the grief, the disappointments, the frustrations, and the heartache have all pushed me to face my feels. because i’m such a transparent writer, you might think i am great at managing my feels. i’m not. i had a traumatic childhood and some days my self-taught coping skills kick in and i have an “it is what it is” mentality. that thinking allows me to live through or get through things. it prevents me from growing through them. i want to be in a constant state of growing. i will never be perfect, but there is no restriction on my potential to be better.

in my efforts to be a better me, i’ve realized i have to get used to putting on my big girl panties. you know the big girl panties. they are the ones that require you to put aside the pouting and self-loathing and avoidance and tantrums and doubts. the big girl panties require you to own up to your shortcomings and your mistakes and your part in co-creating the life you live. they also require you to extend yourself grace the same way you extend it to others. the big girl panties remind you that you are able to live through it. get through it. grow through it.

as i pull on my big girl panties i have realized there are some things i have to do. i have to be okay with having hard conversations. i have to be okay with others having views that differ from mine. i have to be okay with knowing that i’m going to hurt people even if i don’t mean to do it. i have to be okay with knowing people will not like me because of things i do or say. i have to be okay with walking away or letting others walk away. i have to be okay with things not working out how i wanted or planned. i have to be okay with some doors closing in the midst of others opening. i have to be okay with not having the answers. i have to be okay with having answers that are at odds with others. i have to be okay with not having the last word. i have to be okay with letting go. i have to be okay with letting go.

it’s working for your good.
it’s working for your good.
it’s working for your good. your good. your good.
it’s working for my good. my good. my good.
this will not be the end for you. so live through it.

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