life can be measured in a series of hard times as easily as it can be measured in a series of good times. it ebbs and flows through mountain tops and valleys. it is highly likely that you can find yourself in both places at the same time in different areas of your life.
as someone philosophized on the internets, it’s not a matter of the glass being half empty or half full; rather recognizing that the class can be refilled. today i found myself needing to hear that very theology. maybe my glass just needs to be refilled.
this isn’t the typical kind of blog post i share. it’s more something i reserve for my journal because i don’t share everything. i keep some parts of me for myself. they are private and require a level of relational intimacy the internet will never afford. but as i was driving down the highway wiping away a steady stream of tears from my eyes, i thought about all the people who feel what i feel but might not have words for it. i tend to have words for all the things – the feels, the life moments, the lessons, the actions, the things that go unsaid. channeling my inner cersai, i am walking through these proverbial internet streets naked and exposed. i’m going to share my heart’s truth.
seattle is a hard place to live. due to its geographical isolation, she has crafted a persona of being friendly in the walmart greeter kind of way. “welcome to seattle, let me know if there is anything i can do to help,” could be the official greeting of most seattleites. and just like walmart shoppers, you’re supposed to say hi back and keep it moving. to stop and have conversation or actually ask for help upsets the balance of the force and chaos can ensue.
but seattle is also very transient and people are always moving here or moving away from here. in my experience, it’s kind of a revolving door. for the last eight years, i’ve seen more than 40 of my friends and network move away, most of them within a 12-month period. when i say i have good-bye fatigue, it is not a joke. i am tired of saying good-bye.
but it wasn’t the good-byes that had me fighting back tears. it was actually the realization that if the story were reversed and i was moving away, there wouldn’t be the same response from people that i have been intentionally building community with. that really hurt. like really hurt. the part that makes this place, and this season, particularly hard for me, is feeling like it’s pointless to continue making friends or trying to build relationships.
a while back God and i had a conversation where i was instructed to cultivate family – to go deeper than casual acquaintances to really connect with people. there was a sense of urgency to it that made me act. but today, i realized i don’t want to do it anymore. i don’t have the desire or the will to continue accepting the gallons of rejection that come with the sprinkles of friendship. and i low-key feel like God set me up. so, i’ve been going through the list of what lessons i’m supposed to learn from this season. pain is always supposed to teach you something about God, about yourself, about life. i don’t know what i’m supposed to learn by feeling the constant heartbreak that comes with living in seattle. ugh. life is hard but God is good in the hard times. where is the God in this?
on second thought, i don’t want my half empty or half full cup to be filled. i’m no longer thirsty.