the last few months have been trying for me. i have felt too overwhelmed by a few things to even write them out. well, in public form. i journal everything. if something ever happened to me i need to have a legal plan for the collection and care of my journals. i don’t want pieces of me being consumed all willy nilly. i’m telling you now, i will stalk the person who takes my journals and starts publishing my private thoughts – especially those i never wanted to be public. seriously, i will be the thing that goes bump in the night in your big scary house. try me!
right now, i’m not feeling as overwhelmed but definitely processing some big things and when i’m processing stuff, i retreat. but i have been meditating on something and i couldn’t sleep without at least writing it out and sharing it with you guys. i’m in a season of transition. it’s been hard. and the last few weeks, i have had some very draining experiences. i’ve been an emotional zombie lately because i refuse to give life to these emotions. ok, i’ve verbally acknowledged my desire to not give life to these emotions. hahaha. the current score is emotions 10, me 0.
one of my biggest concerns in this season of transition is recognizing what fits best; what allows me to fit in best. turns out, that’s the wrong question to ask. instead, i need to ask can i be free. can i be free here? can i be free with you? can i be free in this? yo, talk about a paradigm shift. i like freedom. as i’ve spent the better half of a year reclaiming my own identify from the expectations and limitations of others, it has birthed a desire to always be free. i am not made for chains. hell, none of us were created to be in bondage. give us, us free.
so, i’m pondering and chewing and sitting in what it looks like for me to live in freedom and how that translates into specific areas of my life. as descendants of slaves, we exist today because our people who lived in chains decided to live and not die. they decided to fight for their freedom until it was realized. think about that for a second. when you know that is your legacy, how do you make peace with finding yourself in chains today? i know we don’t mean to do it, but it happens. and at what cost? what are you like when you are completely free? i imagine those moments, however fleeting, in my life as being spaces without limits. to quote from one of my fave movies, “the limit does not exist!” truly there are no limits. even physical limits can be overcome in ways we can only imagine when we give ourselves permission to be free. and freedom is so addicting. once you have a taste of it, you don’t want to be bound again.
as i work out my feels about all the things happening in my life i remember how much i loved a particular song by vocal goddess patti. although all the lyrics don’t apply i am so moved by the power of these words. if i can’t say anything else, i can tell you from the depths of my soul that i want to be free. always. in my relationships with people. in my professional positions. in my recreational activities. in my faith practices. i want to be … i have to be free. i know i’m not alone.