have you ever gotten an earworm that refuses to go away? what am i saying. of course you have. everyone has had that one song — you know the one — that you hear and it gets stuck in you head. earworms are usually annoying songs you hate. that hate seems to make the earworm that much worse, and harder to make go away. i have an earworm right now. it is stuck like chuck in my head and no matter what, it won’t go away. it’s a gospel song by a group called forever jones. the song is he wants it all. i’ve been listening to it on repeat for over a week now. at work. on the bus. in the car. at the gym. it’s three minutes long. can you imagine how many times i’ve heard that song?
the crazy thing is with each listen, i fall deeper in love with the song. it’s like the exact opposite of what you would expect for an ear worm. rather than being repulsed by it, i want to hear it more. and – gasp – i want to sing it. all the time. out loud. and on film. i know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. i don’t sing. it is embarrassing how not good i sound. but i have a feeling God wants me to get past that embarrassment because it is yet another thing that keeps me from giving my all to Him.
i know i’m not alone. there are a lot of things we hold on to and refuse to give to God. our relationships. our plans. our desires. our will. our heart. it’s scary to say to a God you can’t see,”here, i’m giving you my life to use as you will.” um, come again? what does that mean? what does that look like in real life? what if i don’t want the same thing you want for me? will it hurt? will i have to do it alone? will it take forever? will it be easy? will i like it? will everyone else like me for doing it? will it cost me?
there are so many things to consider, and even as i’ve continued to listen to this song on repeat for more than a week, i’m still wrestling with what exactly He is asking me for. what idols have i placed before Him? what parts of my heart have i kept hidden? what areas of my life do i willfully refuse to submit? you see what i mean? i’m wrestling with this song. and the crazy thing is i’m dancing to it in church in a few weeks. they always say you minister to yourself first, and others secondary. seems kind of selfish, actually, but i think it’s true. it is my hope that my worship through dance is an invitation for others to run to the alter and lay down their idols. i hope the dance ministers to my church the same way preparing the dance has ministered to me. and i hope my willingness to embarrass myself by singing this song is enough to at least allow some to be open to the possibility of seeking freedom!
so it gets a little rocky toward the end and i keep forgetting the words. when you’re dancing, you don’t have to know the words! anyway, i wish i could sing like my little brother miles. his voice is amazing and i just want to sing like that, but i can’t. you would think since we had the same dna, i would have gotten something. oh well.